


Please Don't Go Too Fast

by Eccehomo



Category: Medicine - Harry Styles (Song), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Established Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Formula 1, Heart Disease, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Louis Tomlinson Loves Harry Styles, M/M, Past Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Post-One Direction, Soulmates Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 17:09:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8022163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eccehomo/pseuds/Eccehomo
Summary: ---Written in loving memory of Baby Ariah who fought until she could---Toddler Harry finds a new friend in a young and confident Louis who takes a keen interest in him. When his medical condition* puts restrictions on their friendship (and later relationship,) Harry wonders if he will ever live to see Louis become the Formula 1 racer that he aspires to be. (Story line moves back and forth in time)*Medical Condition: Restrictive cardiomyopathy





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this text to a friend who has commitment like no other. A friend who reminds us daily that we are loved and thought of. And when I say daily, I mean daily. Cecilia, your efforts and generosity have not gone unnoticed or in vain. You are an example to be followed. This is my small and humble gift to you.

 

**Prologue**

Harry and Anne arrive to the local school playground. In a few weeks, Harry will be starting school here.

“Aren’t you excited to start junior kindergarten?”

Anne looks around and points to the slide.

“Look! you’ll get to play here all the time now!”

Harry shakes his head.

“Aww.. why Hazza? Don’t you want to play here?”

“Don’t want to be away from you mummy.”

“Oh but I will be just down the street making lunch for you baby! You won’t be too far.”

Harry doesn’t look convinced. He has a sad, frightened frown on his little round face.

 “Okay why don’t we go to the swings? You like the swings right?”

He nods his head quickly with a little grin spreading on his face.

The playground is loud with children of all ages running around and Harry likes it. He likes to watch the children on the slides and in the sand pits laughing, screaming, and occasionally crying as he calmly swings back and forth.

Harry isn’t confident enough to approach the other children and Anne doesn’t pressure him. The doctors told her to let him take his time. _‘Let him watch other children interact, he will learn from it.’_  She tries to stay positive convincing herself it will change once he starts kindergarten. _He just needs to be forced into close proximity with the others and it will be just fine._ She tells herself.

She lifts Harry up and places him on the swing.  He isn’t allowed to be pushed far up so Anne is cautious about how much force to use. _Which is none really._ She gives one light push and goes to sit on the bench a few meters behind him and lets the momentum carry him through.

**A few moments later…**

“Mum, come here mum!” A startling voice breaks the distant laughter and shakes Harry back to reality.  It’s an older looking boy, maybe 2-3 years older than Harry with a blue baseball cap and a red and white footie kit.  

“Awwww mum!! Look at him!!”

The young boy walks up to him and ruffles his hair. Harry is intimidated. He tries to dodge the boy's hand but he won’t let go.

“You are so cuteeeee!!! Oh my god!!” He squeals.

Anne emerges from behind and laughs at the boy’s forwardness. She places a hand on Harry’s shoulder for comfort and looks over to an embarrassed mother trying to catch up.

“I am SO sorry.” She says just a little over a meter away from where they are standing. She holds her lower back for support.

 _She’s pregnant_.

“Boobear, you can’t just touch other kids like that!”

“But look at how cute he is mum!!!”

Louis tugs at one of Harry’s curls. Harry doesn’t look at him. His eyes are glued to his own mother.

“Why thank you! His name is Harry.” She tells the strange boy. “And that’s quite alright” Anne turns to Jay. “I’m Anne, you have quite a lovely boy here.”

 “Oh I wish that were half true, he’s been a bit tricky to control lately. I’m Jay. It's nice to meet you.”

“He must be happy to have another sibling on the way.” She smiles fondly at Jay.

“Mum—I want him!”

“Boobear!!” She gives him the ‘mom’ look. Louis won’t budge and continues to pick at Harry’s curl trying to get his attention.

“He is taking it a little too far I’m afraid.”

“Oh that’s alright! Really, Harry and I don’t mind. 'Boobear' can stay here and play with us if he’d like.”

Anne secretly hopes Jay accepts. She wants Harry to get some form of social training before school starts and this may be it.

“Oh please mum? Can I stay? I want to play with him. He is soooo cuteee!!”

Harry finally turns to Louis who is beaming in his face. _He doesn’t look too scary_ , He thinks. He has never been called cute by other kids before. This was all new to him. 

Louis squeezes his cheeks. He leans in and gives him a kiss.

“LOUISSSSS! Stop! No more!” She tugs on his shirt forcing him away from Harry. “I am SO sorry. Really. I had no idea he was going to do that.”

Anne is a bit shocked herself. _Wow he is friendly_. She looks down at Harry and sees that he is smiling. 

_Wait, he liked it? Okay now I really gotta make this boobear kid stay._

Louis is still staring at Harry with a smile that is equally reciprocated.

“Mum, look he has dimples!!! Oh his smile is soooo cute!!!!”

“Boobear!! When did you take such an interest in children? Is this a stunt? This better not be a stunt. We can’t just buy you another sibling of your choice!” Jay sounds a bit frustrated.

“Not too thrilled about having a sister.” Jay whispers to Anne. Anne nods understandingly. She is still looking back and forth between Harry and Louis who seem mesmerized by one another.

Harry puts out a hand for Louis. 

“Push me.” He says in little shy voice.

Anne looks relieved. She exhales out loudly. _Finally, he’s talked to another child. Finally!!!_

Jay lets go of Louis' shirt when she sees that Anne is smiling and beckoning for him to take her spot.

Louis kisses Harry’s again unable to contain himself.

“Boobear!! I said no more!!”

Harry chuckles to himself.

“Hey—it’s okay!!” Anne yells, scaring herself in the process. “Really.” She straightens out the hem of her shirt. _Okay calm down desperate mum._ “Let them play. I don’t mind it. I’m actually very happy to have him around. Here---let’s umm..” She looks around to the bench. “Let’s have a seat and talk.”

“Oh yes, my back is going to collapse on itself. If it wasn’t for Boobear’s relentless arguing I’d be having a much needed bath right now.” She keeps a hand on her lower back as they walk to the bench making small talk about her pregnancy.

\--------

“We’ve only just moved here. You know with the second child and all, we needed more space. Boobear’s going to be starting this school come September.”

“Oh yes, so is Harry. Junior kindergarten.”

“Oh that’s lovely. Is he is your first?”

“Yes. He is my only.” 

“Oh don’t worry, you’ll get used to missing them at home. They grow up so fast these little buggers.”

“That's not a good thing for Harry.” Anne is surprised she admits this.

“Well, He's uhhh.....  got this heart condition.” She points to her heart. 

“Oh dear.”

“You know how it is, the older they get, the more their health deteriorates kinda thing.”

“Oh I’m so sorry Anne.”

“It’s okay. Really.” Anne blinks quickly trying to keep any tears from forming. "I shouldn't be talking about it too much."

“Well hey.” Jay places a hand on her knee. “I’m here now, if you ever need anything.”

Anne relaxes her shoulders falling into Jay’s touch.

“Thank you. Your son is giving me everything I need now.”

She looks over to Louis and Harry.

“Harry hasn’t any friends. It was very nice of Louis to come up to him.”

“Yeah, I don’t know what all that was about. He’s never done it before.” Jay looks a bit confused as she studies her son.

“He’s going to be a great older brother one day.”

“I really hope so Anne. He’s been finicky about the news and we are only a month away.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Anne's POV- Present**

_Alright, where's my little guy?_

“Hazza baby, are you done in there? You've been on the potty for half hour, we gotta get goin'” 

“I’m done mummy.”

“Alright let’s go. Wash your hands we gotta get you dressed.”

"Mummy, I'm bringing teddy with me."

"But you never take teddy outside with you."

"I know."

_Well... there's a new change._

"But Louis is special and teddy is special and today they're going to meet."

"Alright, alright. You can bring teddy but listen here little guy, no running around okay? and absolutely no jumping on the beds." 

"I know mummy." 

_How can you tell a child not to be a child?_

"Alright baby, let's go."

\----------

**Louis' POV- future Louis talking about young Louis' experience**

I remember being really happy when mum told me Harry was coming over. It was odd that the younger me was so enticed by another child. I guess Harry was just special. I was really happy to have moved into our new neighborhood. 

When I look back to the day they came over... I remember feeling so much curiosity. Well first, I was given a whole lecture about having to take it easy on him. Mum didn't tell me much. She only said to keep our activities light. We couldn't play footy in the back so I set up my toys in my room and waited patiently. 

When Anne and Harry arrived, he had his bear with him. It was almost the size of his body. I still remember how shy he was at first, hiding behind Anne's leg. I took him by the hand and led him to my room. 

"Louis! Now remember what I told you!" Mum shouted from behind. 

"Yes Mum, we are only playing with Lego."

Anne was kind. She was always kind. She trusted me with Harry. Even when school started she trusted me to walk Harry home everyday after school. 

That day in my room though....

It all started then. 

Harry and I were competiting to build the highest tower out of Lego. He must've got so excited because he was panting as he raced between the pieces on the floor and his tower. He was struggling to breathe but he did not stop. I had to hold his hands down to the carpet and yell for Anne to come. 

He was crying, thinking he was in trouble. It only made his breathing worse. Mum was running around the house frantically, bringing water and ice and even a fan. Anne seemed accustomed to it. She sat him down with a paper bag that was in her purse and had him settle his breathing through exercises. I don't remember what about the experience hurt me but as soon as I saw the panic I started crying. I thought Harry was going to die right there and then. Anne kept telling me to stop. "It will make it worse for him." So I kept a hold of his hand and caressed his back as mum did to us when we weren't feeling well. 

I will never forget that day. 

It was from that moment that I realized how fragile he is and was always going to be. It made me love him more. I was attached. I was hooked onto this little sick boy.

When school started I'd always go check on him during my lunch break.  I was obsessed. Looked forward to those lunch breaks. The teachers were all given specific instructions about his care and medication. They'd give it to him every 3 hours. Anne didn't like Harry eating too much junk food. I didn't know this was because of his condition, though I did find out later when we both grew older. I'd always save a snack for him. In return, he'd always give me a kiss. A sweet little kiss that I loved. Of course now that I'm older I can say it stirred things in me I didn't understand then. But now I know it was butterflies and I was addicted to its feeling. Still, we thought nothing of it. Mum always gave us the good sugar, so I'd keep it aside for Harry. It made him happy and I lived for it. 

It felt like my duty to protect him and look out for him. At least, I felt I was entrusted with this duty. We had become such great friends. I recall spending much of my free evenings at his home. We did a bunch of painting, played video games, board games, watched cartoons and occasionally had cereal for dinner, which we both loved. We did anything and everything that didn't require Harry to run around.

Harry didn't speak much. He never did. He always watched. He watched everyone. Adults, teenagers, kids. But no matter who Harry watched, no one would ever be as interesting or as captivating as he was. To me at least. 

 

\--------------------------

**Harry's POV- **future Harry talking about young Harry's experience****

When I was in first grade, Louis was in third grade. It was around this period that Louis started getting into racing. His room was plastered with posters of cars and professional racers. It was his dream he said. I wasn't sure of mine. But I liked Louis' dream. I wanted to support him. It was nice to see Louis get passionate about something.

[Scene cut in]

**Louis' POV future Louis talking about young Louis' experience**

I was passionate about Harry too.

**Harry's POV- ** **future Harry talking about young Harry's experience******

Then it was time for his birthday. He was going mini Indy racing. And of course I was invited but mum said I couldn't race. Mum and Jay got me and Lottie to make banners for Louis. She was still too young to participate. My sign read "Go Lou" with lots of disfigured car images. My hand writing was barely there but I managed to keep the letters facing the right direction. Louis invited a few of his classmates. All faces I recognized from school but none I talk to. 

I remember watching Louis putting on his gear. He was taken to the race car where he was seated and buckled in. He looked over to us and gave us thumbs up. I waved. Lottie cheered louder than I did because I wasn't allowed to yell. I kept waving my poster every time Louis turned the lap and faced us. When the course was done we all met inside the main cafeteria. Jay had ordered boxes of pizza and brought a cake for Louis. I will never forget Louis' generosity that day. 

He said he wanted me to blow out the candle. Mum said it was for him. 

"Oh I already got my wish. I want Harry to have one." He put his hand on my back and pushed me towards the lit candles. I was so nervous with all the faces looking at me that I forgot to make a wish. But I blew out the candles anyway.

From that moment, Louis' obsession with racing only grew. He'd talk non stop about car parts and car models. I'd never catch on but I'd always listen to him speak. Louis was great at speaking. I was great at listening. We were a great pair. 

 

\---------  
  
**High School.**

**Present - Harry's room.**

"Harry, I'm getting my license next week. I've been vigorously studying this driver's ed book for the past ten years and I'm feeling nervous as fuck."

 "Loueh... you got nothing to be anxious about, you probably know enough to administer the test yourself."

"You know Harry... I like you! This is why I come to you. You make me feel better."

Louis flops down next to Harry on his bed. He is facing Harry, who is laying on his back. 

"And how are you feeling? Your Mum said you weren't feeling too well this morning. I missed out on practice to come see you."

 "Again?" Harry turns to look at Louis. "You can't keep missing your practices Lou, I'm always here. You can come see me anytime."

"Alright, well tell me this, are you feeling well enough to come back tomorrow? I miss my lunch buddy."

Harry giggles at how Louis rocks his body against his. 

"Commonnnnn. Say it. Say you're coming back."

"I don't know Louis. Maybe tonight I will be able to tell." He flicks Louis' nose. "Or you can come have your lunch here tomorrow."

"Will you make it? Will it be romantic? You know I love the romantic stuff. Fluff it up a bit and I will be here."

Louis climbs over Harry's body, his elbows are on either side of Harry's head. He pauses just a few inches from Harry's face. He takes in the features that he watched mature onto a handsome teenage face. He leans in and tugs on his lower lip, pulling back just a bit. 

"I miss you when you don't come to school you know." He whispers into Harry's ear.

Harry runs a hand through Louis' hair.

"I know." 

He pulls Louis' head back down and presses a long firm kiss to his lips.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Present.**

Harry does not come to school the next day, nor does he prepare a romantic lunch for Louis who texts him non-stop all morning. 

 _Really Lou, I'm fine. I will text you tonight after your practice._  

Harry puts his phone down. He knows this isn't true. His condition is only getting worse. He has been coughing and wheezing all morning, making it hard for him to breathe. Anne's been home with him all day. 

His phone vibrates again.

_Okay.. but promise me you will text me if you feel any worse?_

_I promise Lou._

_......_

Louis doesn't get any texts after that. He messages Harry just before practice and during a water break but still no reply. In his heart, he knows something is wrong. He rings Harry's phone. No pick up. Louis rings Anne. 

"Lou?" 

"Anne, heyyy.. hi! I've been trying to reach Harry. Are you with him?" 

"Oh sorry Lou, I didn't think to check Harry's phone. Harry's had a rough morning love, we are in the emergency right now."

"Emergency?" Louis wants to say more but his voice fades.

"It's going to be alright dear. He is just getting some help with breathing."

"I'm on my way." Louis hangs up before Anne's had a chance to respond. 

He runs off the field with his gear strapped on and duffle bag clumsily thrown over his shoulder.

He drives now. 

Louis places a call to Jay and puts her on speaker as he backs out of the parking lot. 

"Heyyy boobear!"

"Mum! Heya, I'm going to the hospital right now. Harry's there. He isn't well." He voice sounds more shaken than he expected.

There is a pause on the other end.

"He isn't well mum." Louis repeats with tears forming in his eyes. He quickly blinks to clear his vision. 

"I will meet you there." Comes her soft, comforting voice. "I'm sure he will be just fine boobear." 

"Yes mum."

"Drive safe. I will see you there."

Louis' phone rings just as he hangs up. Harry's calling. Louis feels a thousand emotions springing into his body. He can't tell if its excitement or nerves or anxiety. 

"Harry?" He yells without meaning to. 

"Lou."

"Are you alright? I'm on my way okay? Hold tight. Is everything okay?" Louis frantically talks over Harry missing what he's saying. "Sorry what?"

"I said, please don't go too fast." **pause.** "Its not bad Lou." **pause.** "I'm fine okay?" **pause.** "don't panic."

"Yeah, no, I know. I'm driving safe. I promise."

Harry hangs up. Louis knows the pauses in between are struggles for breath. But Harry removing his oxygen mask just to comfort him makes Lou tear up some more. In his mind he already forgives Harry for breaking his promise this morning. He forgives Harry for everything and anything to come.

He reminds himself why he loves Harry so much. His thoughts escalating. How would he live without Harry. What would happen if Harry didn't recover this time? Louis' eyes burn. No, no, no, Harry always recovers. He always does.

Enough.

He wipes at his eyes and clears his mind from dark thoughts. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Three years earlier**

"Harry what would you like to be when your older?" Louis asks him as they lay basking in the summer sun.

"I don't know Lou." Harry plays with the grass blades inbetween his fingers. He has never planned so far ahead. He doesn't know why but he doesn't think its something to be known now. It will come when the time is right he justifies in his head.

"Do you know what I want to be?" Louis asks him.

"A Formula 1 driver?" He answers nonchalantly. This is Louis' hundredth time asking him. Harry never grows impatient answering him.

"Well, yeah there is that, but more importantly?" 

 _More importantly?_ Harry thinks... _well there's a new extension to the question._  

He shakes his head. "I don't know Lou, what else do you want to be?"

Lou smiles, almost grins, as if already satisfied with the answer he is going to give.

"I want to be yours." 

and Harry chuckles. He twirls his finger around a strand of hair. 

"Are you asking me out Louis Tomlinson?"

"Only if your response is yes." 

Harry rolls over. He is looking down at Louis now. 

"You already know my answer Lou."

"I know. I know." Lou tugs on the strands that hang loosely behind Harry's ear. "But I want to hear it again."

Harry sighs and exhales loudly purposely aiming to be dramatic. 

"Yes!" -- "my answer is yes Louis Tomlinson."

"Great!" Louis smiles that genuine smile that gives Harry butterflies each time. He jerks his head up meeting Harry's lips, wraps his arms around him and flips him over. 

\------------------------------------------

**Louis' POV - Present- Driving to the hospital**

Of course I had asked Harry to be my boyfriend a number of times. I never got tired asking and he never got tired of answering.

I always think about those little moments of years ago. Sweet memories. They often come and go in troubled times. 

Anne and mum sat me down a number of times throughout the years. They would try their best to ease me into the context of his condition.

But I was young.

Each year, I was growing more hopeful and with that, more naive and in denial.

It was proof of survival wasn't it? Having Harry grow before me, seeing him, touching him, speaking to him. That was all the proof I needed. I was seeing Harry from the outside... healthy, functioning and handsome. 

Naive.

I guess what everyone wanted me to understand is Harry on the inside. His organs, their functions, their deficiencies, their decay and their fragility that Harry hid so well.

I'm hopeful.

I'm going to walk in. Harry will be there. I will hold him. He will be fine. We will all go home. 

\---------

**At the hospital...**

"It's unlikely he will be discharged tonight. The doctor want's to keep an eye on him for a few days."

"A few days?" Anne asks hesitantly but smiles to reassure Harry who is calmly watching the interaction.

"Just to run a few tests of course. We want to be sure he is stable for discharge."

"Of course."

The nurse nods with a sympathetic smile and exits the room. 

 Louis doesn't say much. He caresses Harry's hand as Jay and Anne continue their conversation.

"Can I stay tonight?" He asks.

Jay wants to say no. Louis has school tomorrow. She knows saying no will only infuriate him and make him more stubborn. She gives in at the sight of them fondling hands.

"Only if Harry and Anne are okay with it."

Harry looks up and silently stares at his mum whose arms are crossed and looking back down at him. 

He studies her face as though it's been ages since he'd seen her. 

The years that have passed suddenly show in the forms of lines and wrinkles and darkened circles on her face from all the sleepless nights and anxiety.

She's aged with stress and Harry can't help but feel guilty. She looks at him like she understands what he's feeling. Because she too feels guilty.

"You may stay." She whispers to Louis.

 

 

 


	4. Chapter Four

**Louis - Present**

Growing up, Harry suffered from many lung infections. He missed a lot of school as a result. Anne would often suggest home schooling but I would not let that happened. I wanted Harry at school so I could see him every day. We went to the same elementary, middle and high school. I didn't want him feeling any different than the rest of us. 

I vaguely remember a day sometime in my fourth, maybe fifth grade when I went over to his home and there was Harry was laying on the couch. His hands and feet were swollen. At first I thought he had an allergic reaction but Anne tells me its a condition called edema. Fluid causing his hands and feet to get puffy. Harry must have been embarrassed because the first thing he did was ask for a blanket. I didn't see much after that. 

The older Harry got, the better he'd learn to hide his illness and pain.

And that hurt me.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

The doctor arrives early in the morning.

"Good morning." 

Anne is ready to hear the prognosis.

The doctor side glances at Louis who is patiently waiting to hear the results as well.  

"He is family." She says. 

The doctor gives a slight nod. 

"We have the results from the blood work and diagnostic imaging. I'm afraid it's not looking too good this time. We know he's been beating the odds." He looks over to Harry for a brief second. "You have been a miracle child." He looks back to Anne. "But it seems like its heart failure this time. I understand he is on the donor list. Until he receives a donor, we are going to take extra precautions and start him on diuretics and beta-blockers." 

Anne has a thousand questions but doesn't speak. 

"Okay... so we will follow this new method of treatment for as long as it is required." 

Louis is shaken by the news and fights to hold back any sudden reactions. 

 _For Harry's sake._ He keeps telling himself. _Keep it together._ He squeezes Harry's hand.

"I will be outside in the triage if you have any questions for me. We will get his prescriptions filled and the nurse will be in shortly to give you the instructions." He nods before leaving the room.

Anne moves closer to Harry.

"You are going to be just fine baby." She assures him. "We have gone through this before, we can do it again. You are such a fighter you." Her voices breaks giving her away. She bites on her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. 

"I'm going outside for a bit. You two behave." She says while pointing at Louis.

Louis isn't sure what to say or do. He is nervous. He is scared. He imagines what its like to be Harry hearing this news. He must be terrified more than anyone.

"Common now, move on over lad, let me lay with you." 

Louis distracts Harry from his thoughts. He inches over to the left leaving very little room for Louis to slip into. 

\---

Outside, Anne is fighting with herself. _Heart failure._ She is crying and wiping at her tears. _Heart failure._ She knew this day would come but she never knew how to prepare for it.

\----

"Lou, I know what my dream is." Harry says in a quiet voice.

"Do you now?" He lays on his side watching Harry's face. "And what would that be?"

Harry smiles. It's such a relief that he smiles. 

"To watch you become a formula 1 driver."

Louis' heart sinks. 

"That's my dream Harry. What's your's?" He asks with a sincere smile.

"I said it."

"Your dream can't be something for me to achieve. It's gotta be something for you to achieve."

Harry's eyes fill with tears and Louis immediately regrets what he says. He pulls him in closer and keeps a tight grip. "We can share dreams then."

Harry just nods.

\--------------------------------------------

**Louis - Deep in thoughts**

There was this one time, back in elementary. Those days when I'd give Harry my snacks in exchange for kisses. I remember my mum coming into the room looking frantic and upset. 

"Boobear have you been giving Harry your snacks?" 

I wasn't sure why that would upset her. I thought it was kind to share.

"Boobear?"

And I can't lie, so I say yes and sob uncontrollably because mum is about to yell at me.

"You know you shouldn't be giving him your treats Boobear. It makes him sick." She is hugging me now and I realize I'm not in trouble. 

"Harry has a fragile heart. You know this. The snacks you give him will make him worse. Do you understand?"

I nod while I continue to cry in her arms.

"Promise me you won't do it again?"

I nod.

"Okay." She pulls me away and looks me in the eyes, "Anne called. Harry is not doing well. So now you will call Anne and apologize."

I nod again.

I collect myself and tell her I want to go see her and Harry in person. Mum says its only okay if Anne agrees.  

When we get to Harry's, I apologize to Anne and Harry. Harry is not allowed to leave bed so I stay by his side reading books to him. 

"Harry?"

"Lou?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know my snacks would make you sick."

Harry looked worried. "and I'm sorry I tattled. Mum found the wrappers in my baggie."

He pointed to the book we were reading and asked me to continue. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi, it's Harry here. 

The doctor told me this morning that my heart is failing. I am terrified... and scared.. and mostly worried for everyone around me. Especially mum and Lou.

When the doctor told me the news... I instantly felt darkness. Like a light switch had just turned off.  

I used to imagine the future, see light and shadows and forms of people and places. But today I can no longer see that. I only see what is now. And I'm sad. I'm sad about it. I'm terrified of the unknown.

Anyway, I want to thank you for reading my story. Our story. I know it's not an easy one. Especially if this hits home. So I'd like to say to you that if you are 18 years or older, you can sign up to be an organ donor. Depending on your country, rules may differ but there are various options with organ donations. Please do research before you sign up and always check with your loved ones that they support your decision.

Thank you to those who have signed up, will sign up and those who are still contemplating it. There are many people who deserve a second chance at life, especially because their first chance was a struggle anyway. 

 

 


	5. Chapter Five

After his discharge home, Harry was placed on a special diet. Anne was forced to hire a personal support worker to watch him during the day while she was at work.

It has been two years since he's been discharged and he remains in stable condition. He is neither progressing nor regressing. There are good days and bad days and days in between. He rarely goes out unless he is forced by Anne and Louis. Some days he wonders why he fights, why he sticks around. He's defied all odds being alive. He knows this. What he doesn't know is where he gets this fight. This ability to survive. Then he sees Anne and Louis and it makes him wonder if love is his drive. Everyone has a purpose in life. Maybe his is to love. And maybe it isn't. Maybe he is someone else's reason for existing. Maybe for Louis' sake. Harry doesn't know.

Today, Harry is having a battle of thoughts again. It drains his energy to wonder why. He lays in a bed all alone, while the world rotates. It moves from day to night and night to day and each day a different day and people run about, everything is changing but he remains still and unchanging and alone. Despite all the visits and company. He feels alone. Because he is in bed all day in an active world where he is still as time runs and he remains paused.

The worst part is not that he does nothing and goes nowhere. The worst part is knowing that he will continue to be this way until he dies. He may as well be dead and watch all this from the outside. _Stop._ He tells himself. _Stop now._ He turns onto his side and lets his hand run over a framed picture of Louis in his regalia from his high school graduation. 

Harry smiles. Louis looks very handsome. And happy. And very healthy. 

Harry hears the sounds of footsteps approaching his room. 

"Harry?" The voice calls out. It's Nancy, his personal support worker. 

"Come in." 

"Oh yer up! thought you'd be nappin' again. Did ya finish your lunch there?" 

Nancy comes around to check his tray on his night stand. 

"You've barely touched yer food Harry."

"Not hungry."

"Harryy." She folds her arms and sighs with a sheepish smile.

Harry lets out a giggle.

He loves Nancy. She's like the aunt that he never had. 

"It's not your cooking. I promise. I just want a smoothie."

"Ohhh alright then. You'll 'ave it."

Nancy runs back downstairs.

The smile on his face remains as he turns back to look at Louis' picture. 

\---------------------

Louis was slowly working towards his dreams. A promise he had made to Harry. A promise he was willing to keep. He was in second year University because Jay had forced him to continue with school while racing. 

Louis was a member of the British Formula Ford. He raced every weekend and trained some evenings. He had already won the Rookie Cup the previous year after taking part in the British Touring Car Championship. He was one of the youngest members but also rated one of the highest potential racers in the series.  Something he eagerly showed off.  

Harry's attended all his races. 

 --------------------

Harry sits up in bed and sighs, he turns down the volume on his speakers. 

"Aren't they great?"

"Yeah, they are.. great. It's unique." Harry smiles turning back to Louis who is still laying on his bed. 

"You aren't doing well today are you?"

Harry's lowers his head. 

"I'll be fine Lou." He looks up. "I promise."

\------------------------

**Harry.**

It's not that I stopped enjoying life. It's that I hadn't much to look forward to. I mean you can understand right? These words, just repeating themselves. This is what it's like inside my head. The same thoughts everyday. Same emotions. It was a vicious cycle.

I somehow convinced myself that my only reason for living was to see Louis live out his dream. And only because I knew he was getting there so he can keep his promise to me. 

That was it. 

Without Louis, it seemed I had no purpose. 

Purpose was taken away from me long ago. 

But I did hear that I'm getting closer to the top of the donor list. 

Which could take months, even years to receive. 

Still, it gave me some hope.

And my some, I mean a glimpse. 

A mere thought of.. Oh... what if? and what would? 

Sometimes, I allowed these thoughts to carry themselves out for a bit. A little fantasy never hurt the melancholic mind. 

But it didn't heal it either. 

_Enough._

_Enough now._

 


	6. Chapter 6

It was the big day. The day that Louis would see his entrance to the Formula 1. His first race with the elite class. It was also the day that Louis would fulfill his promise to Harry. 

This was it.

The end and beginning of all things.

The early morning drifted on by with nerves crackling down on Louis and sweat covering every inch of Harry, something felt strangely out of place. Louis was already with the team and managers. He was drowning in early morning interviews and photo sessions that he hadn't had time to check his phone but he assumes it is backlogged with  messages of encouragements. 

But it wasn't all that. 

***

Jay was already seated in the stands when she gets the call from Anne.

"Jay, hi, I'm sorry to be cancelling right now but Harry isn't well, we aren't going to make it." Jay can hear the panic in Anne's voice.  "He wasn't feeling well all morning, I've just brought him into the ER an hour ago." ---"no, that won't be necessary, we appreciate it though." -- "I don't know, I wish I could tell you but he isn't looking well." Jay contemplates leaving the race. She checks her watch. The race will be starting in less than 10 minutes. "Anne, I'm on my way." She doesn't wait for Anne's polite refusal and rushes out of the stands. She knows all too well that Anne cannot be on her own at a time like this. 

***

At the emergency room, Harry's heart rate is fluctuating and beating abnormally. His heart is under too much stress. The doctor tells Anne that they need to induce coma and hook him to life support so that his heart doesn't collapse. Anne watches as everything in the room starts to move in slow motion. She watches the nurses and doctors poke and prod, she watches syringes and tubes slipping under her son's skin. The noises become distant and she becomes a spectator in this dark room. Harry is center show and the spot light shines brightly on him. Except this time, he isn't beaming with life or laughter. He lays lifeless and still. Anne knows it different this time. Much serious. And when the Doctor walks up to her minutes later with his head hung low, she knows the time has come. 

Harry's heart stopped. He is being kept alive by the machines. In a few hours, his organs will begin to shut down and there will be nothing they can do.

***

Louis' heart races as he drives up to the starting line. He gives quick nods to the drivers to his left and right before glancing up at the stands to where his mother and Harry are seated. Except they aren't there. Louis feels something heavy weighing on his chest and for a minute he doesn't know if he is breathing but the sound of the gun shot startles him and without thinking he accelerates. He tries to shift his focus to the race but questions swarm his mind and adrenaline takes over. It all feels like a second but he's been driving for just over two minutes and halfway through the course.

_Harry is in trouble._

_Shit I should have checked my phone._

_Mum's not here. It must be serious._

_Fuck. I should go._

_I need to stop._

_I need to go._

He absentmindedly steers his wheel to the far right aiming to go off course. He is caught off guard by the racer in his blind spot who makes contact with his front right wheel sending his car spinning into the air. Louis is tossed inside the compact pit and when the car finally touches ground, the airbag leaves very little room to move. Louis can't move. He's hit his head several times and slowly falling unconscious. He tries to move his fingers to find the latch but he can't feel anything. He rests his head on the airbag and smells the burn of tires and spilled gasoline. He hears frantic screams and sirens approaching from all directions. He tries to open his eyes but his body fails to cooperate. The last thing he does is whisper Harry's name while he fades to darkness. 

***

His ambulance is followed by news reporters and media vans.

***

Jay is with Anne inside Harry's now empty room. They are both stood on each side of his bed. Minimal words are exchanged and Jay knows just as Anne does that it was all different this time. She's telephoned Lottie on her way to the hospital and sent Louis a text. They stand in silence for the next half hour as the hospital around them rushes to save another life. 

Jay is momentarily distracted when she turns her attention to the muted TV in Harry's room. The local news was supposed to cover the race but instead banners with live updates show a developing story of a racer rushed to ER following a harrowing crash. Jay rereads the banner to make sure she isn't mistaken when she sees Louis Tomlinson's name. She turns to Anne whose attention is now fixated on the red and white notices running through the screen. 

***

Jay tries to remain calm and collected as she half walks and half jogs down the endless hallways of the ER. "I'm looking for Louis Tomlinson." She keeps asking everyone in passing. 

By the time Jay finds the operating room, Louis is pronounced dead and news of it has already made local and national headlines. 


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Louis,

My psychotherapist said it would help if I wrote out my thoughts and feelings to you. So here goes....

It's been a little over two months since you've passed away. I still haven't come to terms with it.

I don't allow myself to because it gives way to dark thoughts and I'm not entitled to have those thoughts when you have given me a second chance at life.

I think a part of me carries on because your heart beats inside my chest. I can't thank you enough. It's been a battle.

I'm torn and devastated that I've lost you but I am constantly reminded by others that I should be grateful for my new heart.

I am. I truly am.

It's what I wanted all my life but I never wanted your heart.

Not your heart Louis.... 

Why would I? What am I without you? I'm just a body with a soul yearning to be with its other half.

I don't know my life without you.

I haven't stepped outside the hospital or home because I really don't know what my life out there is supposed to be like.

I've grown up on your dreams, your goals, your agenda, and in your shoes.

I didn't think I had anything to live for besides you. When I tell this to my psychotherapist she goes on about how unhealthy it is but I just don't know what to think. 

I feel like if I were to accept that I have a second chance at life then I'm denying you or hurting you because you are not a part of it.

So I cannot accept this fact.

Would I be more selfish if I lived on and pretended like I was happy without you? or would I be more selfish if I took my own life and joined you?

I don't know.

I wish you were here to tell me. You always put things into perspective for me. I relied on you to make sense of the world for me and now you aren't here and I just don't know what life is supposed to be like.

And now I'm just lonely. 

Just sad.

Sad and lonely and even though I should have so much to look forward to... I don't and I don't want to... not without you. 

I've cried so much these past two months its hard to feel anymore. I've gone limp again just as I was when I was on those heavy painkillers you hated. No feelings. no emotions... just numb....

numb. 

I miss you.

Sometimes I wake up and look at my phone and think why hasn't he sent me a good morning text yet? 

Then it hits me.

It wasn't a dream.

It is all real. 

You aren't gone for the night or away for the weekend.

You are just gone. 

And we never believed in anything after life so it breaks my heart because does that mean I will never meet you again?

Never see you again?

All I've got now are these memories and pictures...

and they will haunt me all my life.... 

I wish it were me... 

I wish I would have gone first. 

I feel like you would've handled my death so much better. Especially because it was expected. You've had your whole life to prepare for it. You knew it would happen sooner than later.

But not you...

I never got to say goodbye.

and sometimes I think it's better that way... what would be the most worthiest thing to say to you as you take your last and final breath?

What words could I possibly say to make you better? or happier? or feel like the life you lived was great and it was time to wrap up?

I don't think there is anything you can say. Not me... not anyone... 

Even I love you would not suffice. 

We had more than love.

We were more than lovers. 

You filled too many gaps in my heart to be just a lover.

We were each other. You and I.. two and one and one as whole. 

From the beginning.. 

It just all seemed to fit. 

I can't imagine what life would have been like growing up without you.

You were my life.

and now you are gone.

and I have this life.

without you.

just... a reality around me that encompasses me and moves me forward in a space time continuum.. constantly moving forward... like it did when I was sick and in bed all those years. But now it wants me to move with it.. to grow and become and learn and develop but now that I'm here and have this choice.

I don't want it. 

I'm not ready to heal Louis. 

I don't possibly think I can. 

I just wish I can be with you. Not for a minute, not for a day, but for eternity. 

But all I can do is put my hand over my chest and feel your heart beating inside my chest. It's all I got left of you. 

Thank you Louis.

I miss you and I love you.... you are and will always be my one and only.


End file.
